How do I carry the weight of every patient I've watched over?

You can read a patient under anesthesia before the numbers even move, a sense built over years, and the cost of that sense is that you carry the weight of every single one. That weight is not a sign of something wrong in you. It is the mark of someone who never learned to stop caring. The skill and the weight grew from the same root. But you were never meant to carry each patient alone and forever. You are one skilled part of a team, inside a system with layers of safety. You give your whole attention while you are there, and then you have to let each case be set down, because holding them all at once will slowly empty the very attention that makes you good. The care is meant to flow through you, not to pile up inside you. At the end of a case that went well, let yourself register it and release it, not just brace for the next. Mark the wins, not only the fears. And when the weight builds, talk to someone who knows this work. You have spent a career reading patients before the numbers moved. Learn to read yourself the same way, and give yourself the care you have given everyone else.