How do I carry the weight of every decision and loss as a leader?

You led people through things most will never face, and you carry every choice and every person you lost. That weight is proof you led like it mattered, because it did. A leader who forgets the losses was never really carrying his people. You were. That is why it sits so heavy. But there is a difference between honoring the losses and blaming yourself for all of them. You made decisions in fog and fire with what you had. Some things you could shape, and many you could not. Carry the ones you own, learn what they taught, and set down the ones that were never yours to prevent. Both matter. One small practice: remember them by name, on purpose, rather than letting them ambush you. Give the losses a place and a time in your mind instead of a constant weight. You are not trying to forget. You are trying to honor them without letting the grief run every day. That is how you keep leading, and living, well.