How do I reconnect with the games I actually dreamed of making?

You can design systems that players love. After years of shipping to metrics and hitting the numbers, you have lost sight of the games you once dreamed of making. That grief is real. Somewhere between the passion that started you and the job it became, your own vision got quiet. The metrics were never the enemy, but they are a demanding master, and serving them long enough can drown out the quieter voice that had something to say. That voice is not gone. It is just underneath the habits of shipping what performs. You still have the skill. What you are missing is permission to point it at something of your own. Start one small thing that is only yours, with no metric attached. A prototype, a design doc, an hour on the game you actually want to make. Protect it from the numbers. You have proven you can build what the business needs. Now build something to remind yourself why you started.