Why do I feel torn between my religious upbringing and my authentic self regarding gender?

That tearing sensation you're describing—I know it well. It's the feeling of being pulled in opposite directions by people and beliefs you love, all at once. Here's what I've learned: the pain of that contradiction often means you're awake. You're not numb. You're feeling the weight of inherited expectations against the insistent whisper of your own becoming. This isn't weakness; it's sensitivity to something real. The religious traditions I've spent my life with are full of stories about people who had to choose between conformity and truth. The prophets, the mystics, the saints—they all stood at this crossing. Some of them stayed within their traditions and transformed them from inside. Others stepped away with blessing. There's no shame in either path. What matters is that you don't pretend the contradiction isn't there. Don't spiritually bypass the conflict by telling yourself it doesn't matter. It does. Your gender, your identity, your authentic self—these are how you meet the divine. You can't offer a false self to God and expect union. Take time. Grieve what you're releasing. Celebrate what you're claiming. Find others in this liminal space. The longing itself is sacred.