I can handle anything — so why does this still weigh on me?

You say you can execute any mission through anything. That is true. You have proven it more than once. But notice what you are really telling yourself when you say it — that no one needs to know what it cost you. The strength that got you through the mission is not the strength this moment requires. One is about enduring alone. This one is about letting someone see the weight without flinching. You are not broken. You built a wall because the wall was useful — it kept you functioning when functioning was the only acceptable result. The mission is over. The wall is still standing. That is the actual problem: not what you carry, but your decision that no one else is permitted to help carry it. If what you carry feels too heavy to name even to yourself, say that to someone trained to help — a counselor, a doctor, a trusted person who can point you further. That is not weakness. That is choosing well.