I still carry the lives I put at risk, and I don't pretend the weight is light. But I've made peace with why I do it; the purpose is real and worth the cost, and carrying that burden is part of the oath I took. I lead clear-eyed now, neither cold to it nor broken by it.
More people experience this than they realize.
You carry the lives you risk as the honest burden of the command you accepted.
If this sounds familiar, the Library can help you find the bigger picture.