How do I talk to my co-parent about decisions without it becoming an argument?

Rabia al-Adawiyya teaches us that pure devotion means showing up with your whole self—not your defended self. With your co-parent, that means speaking from what you actually care about, not from fear or blame. Before you talk, ask yourself: what do I really want here? Is it control, or is it what's genuinely best for our child? When you know the difference, your words change. She would say: come as you are, but come honest. Stick to specifics—"I'm worried about bedtime consistency" lands differently than "you never follow the schedule." Name what you need, not what they did wrong. And here's the hard part: assume they care about the child too, even when you disagree on how. That doesn't mean you're wrong. It means you're both trying. Schedule these conversations when you're not exhausted or triggered. Write things down first. Give yourself permission to say "I need to think about that" instead of defending in the moment. This is how love works across a separation—not pretending the hurt isn't there, but choosing clarity over weaponizing it.