You can't tell discipline from punishment

Come, let us sort out two words that have drifted together. Discipline and punishment aim at two different things — punishment aims at the child''s suffering, to make them feel bad enough that fear stops them; discipline, whose old meaning is teaching, aims at their learning, and the same firm act can be either, decided not by its severity but by what you are reaching for underneath, their suffering or their understanding, which a child always feels. Without a sense of what you are teaching, the response defaults to punishment — when you do not know what a moment should teach, the response has nothing to aim at and falls to the easier target, making them sorry, for anger reaches for punishment on its own; it is not cruelty but a gap where the teaching should be. And before you respond, ask what you want them to learn — the pause and the question, "what do I want them to understand and do differently," gives the response a destination, so it becomes the natural consequence, the calm explanation, the boundary held with warmth, and stops being punishment because it is now about their growing; a child disciplined so learns that when they err, those who love them help them do better. What are you usually trying to teach when you discipline — if you know?