The short answer
You're not grieving a missed career — you're grieving an imagined version of yourself. That version never had to face its own fears and limits. The life you chose is real. The one you didn't choose only exists as a fantasy, and fantasies don't disappoint.
You stayed, and part of you is still standing at the door you didn't walk through. That's not weakness — that's how the mind works when fear drove a big decision. Research on career decision-making shows that fear of commitment — not laziness, not stupidity — is one of the most common things that shapes these moments. You aren't broken for having felt it.
Here's what the Meditations point to: the honest life isn't the one with the best outcomes. It's the one lived without self-deception. Right now, you're being a little dishonest with yourself — not about the choice, but about what you're comparing. You're holding a real, flawed, lived life up against a perfect imagined one. The city you never moved to never had bad days in your version of it. The role you never took never ground you down. That's not a fair fight, and Marcus would say: stop running from what's true.
This week, write one paragraph — just for yourself, no one reads it — about something real and good that exists in your life *because* you stayed. Not to talk yourself out of the grief. Just to put one true thing next to the fantasy, so they're standing on the same ground.