Your "high standards" are really control over who they can be
You call it having high standards, but if you are honest, it works as control — a way of keeping your child inside the shape you prefer, of deciding who they are allowed to be. And they feel the difference, even when you never say it aloud.
Come, sit with me a moment, for this is a tender thing and worth looking at kindly rather than harshly. A standard that lifts and a standard that confines wear the same words — one calls the child toward their own best, the other keeps them inside the shape you find comfortable, and "I only want the best for you" can carry either; so ask not whether you have high standards, but what they are for, whether they open the child toward flourishing or narrow them toward your preference. The child feels the control even when it wears the language of standards — children know beneath the words whether they are being helped to grow or kept in a mold, and control dressed as care breeds either rebellion or a quiet self-erasure, for they respond to the intent underneath, not the words. And hold the standard to their flourishing, not your comfort — before you press a bar upon them, ask what it is truly for, their becoming or your ease, and keep firmly the standards that serve their growth while releasing the ones that serve only your preference. Which of your standards, honestly, is for them — and which for you?
What changes unlock by starting
- You tell a standard that lifts from one that confines
- You see the child feels the control beneath the words
- You hold standards to their flourishing, not your comfort
- You release the bars that serve only your preference